Decisions...

Decisions

I look at the presidential candidates from a far and the meltdown of the US financial markets (as well as my own net worth) and wonder to myself who in their right minds would want to be President? What are Obama and McCain thinking about in the deep, dark recesses of their brains. If you dig past the big egos that must be required to run for President, I imagine they are having this inner conversation with themselves:

“Maybe I don’t want this job after all? Why do I want the hassle? I could’ve just kept doing what I was doing and enjoy vacations with my family. I was comfortable. This Presidential job seemed life a fun idea – leader of the free world – but now I’m staring down the barrel of the Nov. 4th gun and it’s not looking like what I imagined it would be. The economy is in turmoil, and the whole world is expecting me to do amazing things to turn everything around.  Maybe I should bail.”

But they don’t and I’m fascinated by that; because in some small way, it mirrors my story.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought about throwing in the towel. I wonder what I’ve gotten myself into and what the hell am I doing here. Why did I give up my cushy life in NYC, why did I give up my career, why did I throw away my degrees, why did I leave my friends who know and love me, why did I choose Vietnam, why am I doing this to myself? Wouldn’t it just be easier and less turmoil to simply go back home and find a job and a boyfriend and live comfortably? God – I wish I knew the answer to that question. Why do I need this hassle? I can hardly stand the feeling of isolation that creeps over me most days and this self doubt wondering if I’ve made a huge mistake. Starting anew is never easy – and it’s that much harder when you are solo. I feel like I have no one to talk to that really knows me, and that can be a really bad vortex for your mind to stall in. I feel like I’ve been stalled in it for 3 weeks now.

I have these wild swings of decisions – one day I think “Yeah, I’ll stick it out and do this teaching thing and just accept the fact that I’m not making any money, have little free time, and that I’m smarter and more talented than what this job requires. Maybe I can overlook the fact that I don’t have the money or the time to do all of the things I originally wanted to do in SE Asia. Maybe I can also overlook the fact that I’m not real sure that I like to teach for a career and ‘babysit’ kids.”
Day two brings, “I should get back into a proper job that utilizes my experience and education.  I can make some money so I can save up and then do what I want again – travel.  However, should I get a corporate job here in Vietnam or go back home…why stay here if I have no social structure here? Then the BIG question, if I go back into corporate; am I selling out?  That is the question that weighs on me like a ton of bricks on my chest leaving me gasping for air.”
Day three then bring the massive swing to “Maybe I should just not teach or do a corporate job and instead try to really work on my freelance writing and photography career. Work on my book proposal, publish more photography books, do some freelance portrait photography, raise money to do volunteer work, etc. I can do that here in Vietnam as it’s cheap to live while I figure things out. I would go into the red…but not as much as if I had stayed in NYC.”

I’m left having no idea what my platform is or what party I belong to any longer.

It all just gives me a giant headache and it leaves me wishing that I didn’t make things so complicated. I know there are no wrong answers – but why am I so paralyzed by this? I will say that it was much easier to follow my heart when the economy wasn’t in a nosedive and I had a savings to support me. These days, it’s much harder. Dipping my feet back into the working world, even though it is the ESL working world has left me confused as to what I want and what I should do. All I do know for sure it that I need to make a decision soon or I’m going to explode.

I wonder what would happen if I put it to an online vote on Nov. 4th – should I stay or should I go…I have a feeling I know what the outcome would be though; you all would have me stay and stick it out. Yet if my parents came from a state with a large number of electoral college votes – it may actually be a close race!

Upon second thought – I will let you all weigh in on this decision…cast your vote for what I should do on my survey in the lower left hand corner of this page…we’ll see what happens!