They say, don’t blog when you are angry…I’m not sure what they say about blogging when you are depressed, I’m sure it’s the same advice. However – I have to get this out as it has nowhere to go. I feel like my insides are all bottled up and someone just shook me up today – I’m ready to explode.
I don’t want to go back to the US.
I’m in tears in my adorable little authentic Japanese room in Tokyo because I don’t want to get on that plane tomorrow. I just spent the most amazing day seeing the Tsukiji Fish Market here in Tokyo and capturing the whole place in photographs, and I’m completely depressed because this is my last ‘outing’ for a while. Granted – it could also be lack of sleep since I had to get up this morning at 2:45AM to get to the market for the best photography opportunities – and I’ve been touring around the city by foot for the last 8 hours – trying to soak every last bit of travel up. I even went to a photography gallery that was featuring a photographs of various people around the world. I stared into the pictures thinking, I know this, I’ve seen this, I could have done this. But more than that, I enjoyed the intense colors, the looks on people’s faces, their surrounding lifestyles, it was as if my last 15 months had flashed before my eyes.
I’ve been getting all kinds of emails from friends saying that they are excited to see me (thank you for that!), so why am I not wanting to set foot back on American soil and see my home and my friends? Shit. I try to get excited – I try to trick my brain into wanting to be back, but it’s not working today. I feel terrible because it should be a happy time, going back for the holidays – but instead I’m a wreck, afraid of everything that awaits back there, afraid of understanding how I have changed, afraid of having to have answers, afraid of the cold…I hate being afraid.
It doesn’t even feel like 2 months have passed…and here I am 15 months later. I have been having flashbacks lately about my apartment, what’s in it, things I own that I have long since forgotten about…and I realize that I just don’t care about the stuff. Today I also officially gave up my cat to my lovely friend who has been watching her for a year now. I know it is the absolute right decision since my life is full uncertainty, and she loves that cat, and I’m still deathly allergic to it. However this is the perfect example of doing the right thing hurts like hell and it just piles one more thing onto this day that is depressing.
My brain is used to seeing something new everyday and I feel like there’s nothing new that awaits me. I thrive on that change and variety. I LOVE my vagabond life…LOVE it. Sure, it’s great not working…which undoubtedly feeds into that love of vagabonding – but it’s more than that. I get so much enjoyment from trying to show the people the world through my lens and my writing – and today I had a perfect day to do that (seriously – the pictures are amazing – definitely check back to the site in a few days to see them and all of my stories about Tokyo!). I get so much energy from seeing other cultures,observing the world around me, figuring the cultures out, realizing how we all fit together, and what makes us different. But it’s the last day of that – at least for now.
That’s what I keep telling myself…it’s just for now – and I do know that. However it doesn’t change the pain of this day and this moment. I hope no one in the San Francisco immigration department is alarmed if I cry when they stamp my passport…my big, thick wordly passport which is more important to me that my apartment and furniture.
Please note that this is a momentary lasp into sadness. I have been thinking about my life back in the US and what it will look like and what I will do – I actually do have a plan that doesn’t include going back to working behind a desk – but you will have to stick around the site over the next few weeks to hear all of that. So please don’t feel like you need to provide any therapy, that’s not what I’m looking for – I just needed an outlet. This is just my moment to wallow…just to let my guard down a second and let you know how I really feel sometimes.