Spice Diaries – Vol 9, Sep. 1

September 2, 2007 8 Comments »

People often wonder how I can be away from home for so long and not miss it. I myself am surprised at this some days. Then, on a night like tonight I realize that maybe it’s easy to be away from home because it’s easier not to deal with the realities of everyday life. Yet, every so often those realities come face to face with me…even halfway around the world.

I have so many people ask me – have you met any men during your travels. The answer is yes, sure I’ve met men during my travels. Some very, very nice ones. Ones that I even think are attractive, interesting, exciting and a bit dangerous…which as all women know…is the best combination of traits. I think to myself that in turn, I have a lot to offer – I am a risk taker, independent, a world traveler, smart, witty, and a bit unconventional. Ok – maybe that was too light…I am very unconventional. Yet, I’m faced with the same issues as I’ve always been faced with when it comes to men – even halfway around the world. All the men that I meet are either already ‘taken’ or are only interested in the young, and sexy women for a quick fling – or the young responsible women to settle down and have babies. Both of these scenarios pretty much suck for me. I’d like to say that I’m not bitter about this…but come on…of course I am. How can you be 37 years old, have not dated someone for 6 years and not be a little bit bitter. Yet at the same time – I put on a happy, positive face and say – my time will come. Overall – I do really believe that – I will meet someone that means the world to me and vice versa. But the waiting is really a shitty process. Instead of sitting around waiting, I go and live my life – do what I want to do – and believe that eventually – it will all work out.

Today, I was talking to the coordinator at my volunteer placement before I started my class. She was asking me some personal questions about myself. She asked about my family and if I was married. I gave her the same answer that I give everyone – “no, I’m not married” I get the standard response back, “Why?” This of course frustrates me because who really wants to try to defend why they are not in a relationship? Yet, as a single woman – I am always in this position of trying to explain why I don’t have a husband or a boyfriend. Honestly – this really sucks. It sucks to try to defend why you are alone. I get tired of it – I get angry about it – but it is a fact of life…so I go through the motions and try to explain that I simply haven’t met the right person yet. Upon hearing this explanation, the woman went on to say, “It’s such a shame because YOU should be a mother.” My heart just drops to my toes upon this statement. She goes on to say, “I get upset when I find out that smart, talented women like yourself aren’t going to be a mother. This world is losing out. ”

Now – before all of you freak out and try to tell me that I’m only 37 and I still could be a mother – stop. I really don’t think I do want to be a mother – so please don’t feel sorry for me – that’s not why I’m writing about this. I’m writing about this because I thought that wrapped up in that statement about motherhood – there was a lovely compliment in there. One that I can cling on to for a while and enjoy. No matter how many men my age pass me up (their loss!), I am still positive that I have a lot to offer the right ‘person’. Whether that ‘person’ is a man, my nieces, impoverished kids in India, or simply my friends – that’s fine with me.

I’m not going to pretend that being rejected by numerous men in turn for some young 20 year old, or some woman with the ‘perfect’ body, boobs, lean legs and long hair doesn’t bother me. It absolutely does. However, it’s life. One day, when one of those men take the time to actually get to know me and look beyond my newly formed wrinkles – then it will all work itself out.

I know this entry was a bit sloppy and unfocused – but tonight was the first time in 3 weeks that I’ve been out partying and socializing and interacting with men in a bar setting. It was a really fun night…but the old skeletons seem to always pop up. Those skeletons make me want to run…which is basically what I have been doing for the past year. For those of you out there that think this is a cry for help…it isn’t. It’s just the normal stuff that goes through the mind of a single woman in her late 30’s. We all have our good days and our bad days – our days of high self esteem and crappy self esteem. This honestly wasn’t even a bad day…it was just a little does of reality in my vagabond world.

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