Saying Goodbye, Why I Suck at It
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Goodbyes are hard and never fun for me…
Crying is not a weakness, nor does it mean I’m unhappy. At least that’s what I try to tell myself every time I find the tears welling up and streaming down my face as I say goodbye to someone. Saying farewell can be a challenging task, as it requires expressing emotions and thoughts that are often difficult to articulate.
I have no explanation for how terrible I am at goodbyes. It makes no sense to me at all. My life is all about goodbyes and constant change. I’m an adventurous, independent, solo traveler. Not just a solo traveler – but a solo person. I’ve been single and living on my own, far away from my family, for my whole adult life.
I’m not lying when I say I love being on my own, having an independent life, and doing what I want to do whenever I want. I get stressed out when I have to be with others for too long, and I don’t get my alone time. Yet the act of saying goodbye makes me feel so sad, especially to anyone who I’ve been surrounded by for a while. It makes my throat tighten, my heartache, my lips pursed, and my eyes sting with tears.
Table of Contents
Crying Goodbye
How can I drive a car to Mongolia, live solo in Vietnam, and circle the globe multiple times, yet I can’t say goodbye to my niece at the airport without crying? She’s my niece…not my child…my niece. But I’ve grown attached to her for the last 11 days. I felt responsible for her. She was a fabulous, mature travel companion who made me laugh, and I was oozing pride in her brightness, funnyness, and strength. But that doesn’t explain the tears and the deep-rooted sorrow I feel.
Even though the tears seem to happen most often with family (even if they are driving me crazy and I am ready to leave), they also happen with friends, colleagues, lovers, and new acquaintances. I even remember a distinct time this last year when I was excited for someone to leave and be on my own again, yet when they walked out the door, I collapsed in tears.
Why do I suck at goodbyes?
Why does being alone again make me so deeply sad and emotional, even though I long for that solo life most days?
It must be something to do with ending chapters in my life. Every time I travel with someone or stay with someone I consider it another chapter in my life. A definitive moment that I will recall one day in my old age; “remember that time when Evie came to New York City when she was 15 years old… “. Even though I live in a constant state of flux and uncertainty, I must be terrified to start the next chapter. Is the next chapter going to be the last?
Maybe it’s frustration. I know just how hard it is to be on my own; it’s hard work to do everything for yourself with no one to lean on or draw good vibes from. You have to find your own happiness. So maybe I’m simply sad about being back on my own and having to adjust to this new adventure of doing everything on my own again.
Maybe I’m just feeling the pain and sting of living in the present. I’m simply in the moment, deeply feeling the emotions of the moment. Leaving and change are emotional no matter who you are.
Maybe I miss the security of having someone around me.
Maybe I am beginning to feel vulnerable and exposed to being on my own again.
Maybe deep down, I’m lonely, and I’m dying to find some true friends, someone I can spend my life and experiences with.
Goodbyes always make me reflect
Whatever the reason, it always makes me reflect, and maybe that’s simply what my heart and mind are looking for. After about an hour of sorrow, I push it back, wipe my eyes, quiet my mind, smile, and push it to the back again until the next goodbye.
How do you deal with goodbyes? Please share in the comments.
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Hey I am digg’in the new depth to your writing 😉 Well done!
HATE HATE HATE good byes so I don’t do them! I simply say “See ya” because I have learned that the world is a very small place… and chances are I will see ya soon!! My favorite “see ya” is when I could not say it in person to a dear friend that was moving – I wrote it in chalk on our street so she and her family saw/drove over it as they left the neighborhood for the last time.
Btw 😉 Saw her the following year in Ireland.
Life is good!!
Happy New Year!
Sherry, this post is so pure in emotion and not only reminds us about goodbyes in the travel world, but in life. I got teary eyed reading your pos. I think you’re a superb example of a strong traveler who im sure many look up to, and you serve as a great role model for your niece- some good happy thoughts next time you feel blue 🙂
I agree with your sentiments though. I start crying the week of a departure. I don’t even want to fathom how difficult saying goodbye to my parents will be once I ship out to holland later this year.
Beautiful and touching post 🙂
We are very similar. I have learned to not be ashamed to show my emotions. If I’m sad or upset about saying goodbye, I let it out.
Great post, it describes what a lot of us feel but cannot put into words. I know exactly how it feels to live that constant dance from the Porcupine Theory: can’t be around one another for too long without feeling each other’s quills but staying away makes you feel cold and lonely. Gotta find that perfect spot in the middle.
Not wanting to say good bye means that you care and that is always a good thing!
Everyone says that I’ll become used to people leaving my life as a backpacker in hostels – but I can’t help it. When we meet friends, spend a glorious, life changing week with them, YEAH I’m going to be sad. Yes, there are going to be tears with goodbyes. Is that so wrong?
I am getting much better at goodbyes these days, but I can certainly relate. I’m excited to be getting back on the road in a week but not looking forward to saying goodbye to my 86 year old father.
It’s funny, I never cry at goodbyes. I feel very attached to the people in my life, but then when it’s time to say goodbye I feel sort of … numb. Later I’ll miss the people I’ve had to say goodbye to and maybe even cry, but never in the moment. I wish I could, honestly. It seems like it would show that you were more connected to your feelings.
Pretty much exactly how you described. Both our nephews are in the province of Newfoundland, Canada (which is where we are from) and EVERY time we say goodbye the tears, the lip quiver, the gasp for air happens.
Must be the lack of balance or consistency, But either way, they both have their ups and downs. Life will never be perfect. Plus we have all these emotions for a reason. Emotional is a part of who we are. Guess we might as well accept it as normal.
I cried for the first time in years when I said goodbye to my mom before leaving on my RTW. I blame it on my mom since she started crying as soon as she hugged me and didn’t want to let go.. I guess I am human after all.
I was a mess before I took off on my career break travels – then I ended up missing no one! I think I def. live in the moment…which is probably a good thing. CONGRATS on taking off – I wondered when you were leaving! I’m so excited for you. Please keep us updated on Meet Plan Go and let us know how it’s going – we love promoting people’s career breaks!
This reminds me of that scene in the movie, Singles where Matt Dillion is talking about how he used to live by the airport. He hated it, b/c it was too loud and no one wanted to come to his bbqs. But when he moved, he couldn’t sleep, b/c he got used to the noise.
I hate goodbyes. I have to do it every three months with my boyfriend. We just stay kissing for as long as we can and mention the next time we will see eachother.
I’m really terrible at good-byes. I wasn’t always bad at them though. When I was a kid we used to visit my mom’s grandparents (who raised her) down in Mexico every Christmas and when they cried each year we left, I felt sad – but not horribly so, since I figured we’d see them the next Christmas. Maybe I just had no concept of time? Unfortunately I now grasp what days/weeks/months of not seeing someone means and I cry. When my husband and I were dating some years ago, I lived in Boston and he was living in Norway (where he’s from). We did the long-distance relationship thing for a year, and I used to cry even before he left. I figure in a few more decades I’ll switch back to being nonchalant about adieus – maybe.
Thanks for sharing Anis! I must admit – if I allow myself to think about goodbyes – I will also cry before the actual goodbye. The good news for you now is that you are together now forever!
It’s probably something to do with not know when (or if) you’ll see these people again.
I’m not usually a very sappy or emotional person, either, but when I said “goodbye” to a friend of mine who was moving to South America 2 years ago, it was tough. We both acknowledged that it could very well be the last time we were ever going to see each other. Ever. And that sucked. I kept it together until I got in the car to drive home, and then I cried for about an hour straight.
But it’s nothing to be ashamed about. Emotion is emotion, and we should never be afraid to show it!
You are right – I think it’s just a matter of coming to grips with the fact that I am very emotional!
Really, thoughtful post. I hate goodbyes too. When I was younger, I hated them so much that when visiting friends I’d get up way early in the morning and just be gone rather than have to face them in “goodbye mode”. I’ve gotten a bit better about it, with a lot more practice, and I can and do express myself.
Cool that you got to do that trip with your niece, good for you and good for her too!
thank you for putting what so many of us feel into words. I experience the same feelings despite living independently for the past 18 years. Your article was spot on, thanks!
WOW such a well written post. Me and my gf are leaving in about 45 days for a 2 yr rtw adventure. Im fortunate to be so close with my grandparents and speak to them weekly, but my biggest fear is losing them (or other loved ones) while Im away. They’ve been a rock in my life since birth. Their hospital visits are becoming more frequent and I can see them weakening with their age. So Im a bit confused/scared…hopefully I can teach them how to use skype 🙂
Perhaps we are living mirror lives :o)
I LOVE my solo life. I crave for it. I feel crazy when I’m with other people and cant wait for them to leave me alone. When I’m with other people I feel like I have no time to think. To stop. To read. To write. Then when they leave, I’m not sure I really wanted them to go!
I wander the world, and have ecstatically happy moments. I feel free as a bird, have amazing adventures that pop up out of nowhere and have time to meet and talk to all the world’s people. I have beautiful friends all around who welcome me with open arms, accepting my wild style & inability to plan.
And then there’s the other side of me that loves romance, contact, intimacy, friendship…But I am the perfect self-sabotager whenever anything special comes too close so it’s generally just a fleeting moment, month or year before I crush it!
I’ve just said goodbye to someone today. I’m waiting for the solo endorphins to kick in. I hope they will!
All the best with your life adventures. Maybe we’ll cross paths somewhere one day :o)
Have you thought of Separation Disorder? I have the same thing. I’ve been travelling for pleasure and for work most of my life. Enjoying being alone. I’m very independent but saying good bye kills me for days. Can’t work, can;t do anything, just crying for days.
It was considered a child disorder til the 90’s when they finally shown that adults can have it too and many do have it.
Twenty some years ago Adult Separation Anxiety Disorder (ASAD) did not exist, at least as far as the psychiatric community was concerned. ASAD has only been recognized as a specific mental disorder since the late 90′s, with the pioneering work of Vijaya Manicavasagar of the Psychiatry Research and Teaching Unit, Liverpool Hospital, New South Wales, Australia. He said in 1997 that:{{3}}
Adults may experience: wide-ranging separation anxiety symptoms, such as extreme anxiety and fear, when separated from major attachment figures; avoidance of being alone; and fears that harm will befall those close to them. … Separation anxiety disorder may be a neglected diagnosis in adulthood.
I take some anxiety pills for a couple of days really helps.
Endre
Lovely article. You answered your own questions in your writing as to why you find goodbyes so painful, through the questions you asked in your reflection…We all need love, even people who crave alone time. Its about balance. I am pretty much the same. Happy New Year!
I feel exactly the same whenever I leave my family after visiting them. I used to see them twice a year but now I can only manage to do it once (and for way less time) because of work and plane ticket prices. When I still saw them twice a year I was fairly decent with goodbyes but now I’m a crying mess. I’m usually mostly ok after a couple days though.
The feeling of sadness leaves me quite quickly – but it always happens – even if I’m ready to go I’m sad to leave people and places.
yeah sherie,i was in the cusp of sadness when i decided to google the possible reason behind and you know what i myself believe that instead of goodbye, cya v should utter for life is much happier when whe have things to hope for and moreover its basically because we devlope a certsin kind of attachment with the ppl v hv shared our space with, with those with whom v have laughed n lived, nits sad that to start a new chapter v have to turn pages n open new ones but i tell u sherie this is how life is…n being emotional is only a sign of loving sm1 from core.
I moved to Melbourne Australia with my Aussie husband from the UK. That was 20 years ago! I miss my family dreadfully and return every year to see them. However, it’s now getting to the stage where I’m considering not going because no sooner do I get there do I start the countdown to when I have to leave again and say goodbye. I desperately try to process this and only came across your article because on the way back from UK I stopped off in Canada to see my daughter( 23 ) for a few days and for the last 3 days I have long bouts of secret crying because I know I’m going to be leaving her tomorrow. It’s ridiculous! Like you, I am a sole person, I love being on my own; travelling on my own has been brilliant. My daughter is having the time of her life and she’ll be back before I know it too. The 2 reasons I’ve come up with is:
1. Fear of never seeing them again
2. With my daughter- that something awful will happen to her whilst she’s away and I feel this huge vulnerability around her ( it’s not fair of me to think this because she’s entitled to her life and travels in the same way that I did at her age). Ridiculous thoughts because I know deep down that she’ll be fine.
3. Ending a long stretch of time being on my own I.e without partner or my other kids. I am a different person on my own so I guess I’m sort of saying goodbye myself after 6 weeks and preparing to re enter the world of routine and family, work etc. I’ve been doing heaps of thinking and reflection whilst away and I think I’m also anxious about how I’m going to feel when I get home. I want to wear a T-Shirt when I arrive at the airport to be picked up ‘ handle with care, you had to be there’ !
I know I’ll be fine once I get on the plane. I’ll go straight back to work and everything will be fine. BUT, meanwhile I’ll keep doing the breathing, and refocus my thoughts. So glad I came across your article.
Love your article and the possible reasons for our deeply rooted, raw and sad emotions of a ‘goodbye’. I’m 31, studied psychology, and it feels like I’m getting worse with every goodbye. It’s definitely childhood related experiences. I now know that I need to do a lot of inner work and find ways to soothe this heart wrenching feeling that never seems to get easier with age xxxx
When you figure it out Melissa – please let me know! It is horrible feeling – mainly becuase in my life (purely nomadic) I say goodbye to people about every 4 or 5 days! I wonder how it would be childhood related? I had a really stable family life – we lived in the same house my whole childhood.
Saying goodbye is a form of separation, and every person has their own unique patterns of beliefs and thoughts, their own habits, if you will, that come up at good byes.
I have seen that there are different ways that people deal with this time of “transition”. Of saying goodbye, whether in daily life or longer term good byes. I went to a lot of group events and noticed that some people leave early and “avoid” it, some people leave on time and do it well, some people stay longer and are more “attached” and are not trying to hide that in any way, but also find it hard to separate. I know because I was always watching everyone else leave!
What I have come to believe is that everyone has some “degree” of separation anxiety, and the things that we experienced in our childhood, may play a large part in this. Whether this was a lacking of emotional bonding with a parent at an early age, or more often the emotional turmoil of having a parent leave home, and that bond becoming less secure. Whatever the situation, things like this do have an emotional impact and affect how a person deals with “separation” later in life.
Basically, our thoughts on any topic are where we last left them, as Abraham hicks teaches, and so we can soothe ourselves and calm that inner child within us, when separating from someone in the present day stirs up those unresolved beliefs from the past.
I found a lovely article just now about how to help you child when starting school for the first time, on dealing with separation anxiety. It was so beautifully written and just perfect advice for all of us who find it hard saying good bye. It said to remember that this is a period of transition for your child and how the best thing that you can do for your child is to be calm yourself and to be gentle and calm with your child and understanding, and help to make the transition easier for them. Such as going to meet the teacher before school starts and drawing pictures of the school with your child. I wonder if we can apply this simple advice to saying good bye to those we love, and to remember that the best thing that we can do for our inner child, is to be calm and gentle at this time of transition and soothe ourselves, and as the article said to say to your child in a gentle way “lets see if we can find your courage”. Love that.
I was looking online for ways to more easily say good byes, and found your article,
I think most people “suck” at goodbyes, but I also think that we can get better at it.
I believe that it simple requires our being more conscious of the thoughts behind the feelings we experience. And learning to gradually soothe ourselves into better feeling thoughts, so that eventually these are the new beliefs about endings,
Of course, it could also simply be, that being nomadic, your heart is more open and that in itself is a beautiful thing,
Sadness can also be an expression of our love for that person.
Only you can know the kind of thoughts that are behind the emotions themselves.
And that is the first step in soothing them, awareness is the key……all the best.
Thanks for sharing all of your thoughts and research on this. I do find it fascinating. I also wonder how my nomadic lifestyle plays into it. I”ve been nomadic now for so long that I haven’t noticed all of the little oddities that is causes in my life. It is interesting though as when I was a kid I hated being separated from my parents. No one in my family ever thought I would leave home as an adult I was so attached!
This entire article, and the comments, make me feel a bit less crazy. I’m not a world traveler but I have been single most of my life and I’ve always, always, always been terrible at goodbyes. I’m an emotional person anyway, and while I’m okay afterwards, the actual goodbye process always makes me a weepy emotional mess.
Maybe it is something about being single? I’ve been single my entire life…people are constantly in and out of my life it seems – but no one stays!
As I try to prepare for saying goodbye to my 29 year old son who I rarely see these days, I found your most interesting blog, full of wisdom and grace. I am realizing now that I do not have to hide this feeling, these tears will not harm him, they are full of love. Thank you, for sharing your thoughts, I can now finish packing my bag with a lighter heart!
Tears won’t harm him…and they will only help you. Good luck!
Thank you for this post. I too am a happy single solo lady and love my life, yet goodbyes are terrible for me. So much so that my 7 and 5 year old nieces know that the tears are going to come and tell me “I know you’re going to cry”. I’ve never quite understood the emotion, but for me I’ve had it since a very young age. There have been times in the past when I have left someone’s home, who lives less than 10 minute away, and the thought of saying “goodbye” brings me to tears. It’s great to read that I’m not the only person that has water streaming from her face.
Always happy to hear people can relate! It makes me feel better about my lousy goodbyes!
Love reading this, I have this problem every time I leave holiday accommodation or when someone at work leaves to go elsewhere, it’s a running joke amongst my colleagues and family and however I try and not cry, I always do, I think the pressure of trying not to cry makes it worse, it’s almost like anxiety builds and I have no wY of controlling it, I just go with it nowadays otherwise I make myself look so weird trying to avoid people or a situation, it exhausts me but at the same time I can see the funny side of it!!! The only thing I hate about it is I get so tearful that I can’t talk and thank people for a great time when I leave, which is a shame! Afterwards I am fine, relived almost and then really chilled that it’s all over…… until the next time, I’ve been like this all my life though and I’m 50 now so don’t think it’s gonna end anytime soon??
I dont ever want to say goodbye to anyone and I would love to have a family and never say goodbye. A good family where Im welcome, where theres no stupid games, where I can get hugs and kisses and hang out with my love ones. I wish I could find that perfect one that will make me go stupid and love her more than anything and I wish she would love me more than anything. Through trouble times through war and suffering always by myside. Never to part and never arguing with me always playing with me and laughing. I would cherish it everyday and night. NOT EVEN LOVE just having a place to call home where I can lay my down and relax and good friends and family lol I cant even have that.
Oh my gosh I thought I was the only one that goes through this but now I know I am not. I live in Missouri and my children live on the east coast with my grandchildren I visit they visit and even though I am ready to go back home or they are going back home I cry and it starts two or three days before I leave but the day of it seems like I am going to die, seriously. I get anxiety that is almost demobilizing and I become fast and cold as I pull away after I say goodbye, I feel myself dissociating and becoming painfully numb. I wished I could find a way to make the process more comfortable and trust me I have tried but nothing works. I do however know what the thought process is at the time and that is will they drive safe, will I see them again, do they know I love them, am I selfish to leave them even though I would hate to live on the east coast it is not me, and the last thing is did I make enough memories so they will not forget I love them. I enjoyed reading your blog it let me know I am not alone in how I feel. I am an over thinker by nature and I think I love deeply as well.
Thanks for sharing your experience Susan. I think there are lots of us who struggle with this!
I enjoyed your story, as I relate to it100%. My daughter, son in law and only grandchild moved 10 hours away. I use to pick our granddaughter up from school and she stayed with us often. The day they pulled out of the driveway, I was numb. I don’t blame them for moving, it’s a better lifestyle to raise children. My husband had a house built a few miles from them and we go often. I find myself dreading the goodbyes before I even get up there. Of course when the day comes we have to return, I’m a wreck. My husband is not ready to make our second home permanent, like I am. I question myself as to why I get so emotional. I have many activities in our hometown that keep me busy but I feel lost.
Roberta – it’s a strange sensation isn’t it? I hope it gets easier for you as time goes on – and enjoy every moment with them you can!
Hi.
Sorry I have only just picked up on this post, but I am trying to understand my partners tears when saying goodbye to family after a visit, (after either one day or a few days together).
I am 60 years old and I have never ever experienced this in my life before now.
I have read up on it a bit before this post, and I now understand it a lot better, the emotional build up and everything, and I do get it to a large extent.
However, one thing that I don’t get, and I hope someone can explain it, is why all her bothers and sisters are like it too??. They are all in floods of tears at goodbyes, be it any given length of time together before the goodbyes, or any different combination of the members involved. From never experiencing it, I now have 6 of them!! That’s a billion to one chance, so it must be hereditary or in the family Gene Pool or something?? and I would greatly appreciate any comment or discussion on this aspect of it.
Thank you. Andy
For as long as I can remember, I’ve been horribly emotional when saying goodbye to those close to me. I’m over 50 and still it happens. I’ve gotten to the point, that when I can, I just slip away unnoticed. Or just profess out loud “ I’m emotional “. Like you I prefer freedom and my space. But lately, I’m finding this response to be somewhat unnecessary and bothersome. So, as I think, I can only wonder. If the thing that created my need for freedom, space and solitude. Also created my mixed and varied goodbye emotions. So just as you journey around the world. So must you journey through the soul. Always in search of freedom and peace
So glad I just came across this post. Three days ago, it was a work colleague’s last day at work & they will be S tarting a new position locally. We got on really well despite having only met each other in the last few weeks. I was fine chatting to them during their last day, however I was non-committal when they suggested meeting for lunches minutes as we were about to say goodbye (I was on my home to the children & they were heading to leaving drinks with their team. I’d intended to give them a hug but I couldn’t do it and muttered ‘bye’ then walked away. As soon as I got home, I messaged them (via a professional network) with my phone number and to let me know when they were free to meet up for lunch. Not heard from them since & hope they’ll be in touch to arrange a meet up once they start their new job in a few weeks.
I’m not usually an emotional person & I’ve always been fine with goodbyes having moved around a fair bit both as a kid & as an adult. So I’m totally confused as to why I’m now been wracked with feelings of guilt & sadness ever since, wishing I’d given them a goodbye hug (even though I wanted to at the time but something deep inside wouldn’t let me). To get over these weird feelings, I’ve been debating whether I should message them after they start their new job re meeting up, and, in the same message to wish them well for the future should they no longer want to. It’s almost as if by me offering them a choice it gives me closure over our acquaintance, then I can just move on.
I’ve never had a problem saying goodbye before, even when I knew I’d never see people again! Don’t understand why I’ve been so emotional over someone I barely know.
That is odd that you don’t even know them that well. I normally have the issue with family and friends. It certainly won’t hurt to try to reach out to them again if you want to!
Hello fellow cryers! I think it has something to do with saying goodbye to the connection and closeness you’ve had with someone for a period of time, no matter how short!
I’ve also been single most of my life, so is it personalities who like alone time…is it that the connections we make run so deep so easily that we don’t have the energy to do it all the time, hence we like to be alone too. Weirdly (or not) I long to have a ‘rock’ to settle down with, but so far no go.
I also think it’s childhood experience and attachment issues – if you didn’t have a secure connection with a parent and either clung to them too tight or the opposite and they left /got divorced, then if affects how you feel about letting other people go now?
There must be psychological studies on this! I’m off to Google again! Thank you Sherry.