When I saw the email from Linda, my heart sank. I opened it trepidatiously and read the first sentence….
“Not sure how to transition to this, but I think Kitty might be nearing the end.”
Immediately tears welled up in my eyes, my chest tightened and tears started flowing. I have no idea what came over me; I’m not really a crier. However, I knew this day would come –yet I still wasn’t prepared for it. My cat, Palucci, was 20 years old…this wasn’t a surprise.
I spent the next 12 hours in a slow bus to Chile thinking about all of the tears I shed for this cat…my cat. From the first time I moved her to San Francisco scared for her and myself equally since it was our first time leaving the Midwest. Then there were the surprising tears when I became allergic to her after I had her for 7 years. And the downpour of tears I cried when I left her at Linda’s back in 2006 as I prepared to go on my career break and travel. And finally, the tears shed just 2 years ago as I visited Linda, her family, and saw Palucci for the first time in 8 years. Now these tears come streaming down my face again leaving my eyes stinging and my heart aching.
I wasn’t ready to let go.
Giving up a Pet to Travel
The tears are tears of guilt, and sadness. I don’t know if I will ever come to grips with the fact that I gave up my cat to travel. I frequently think about the day I left Palucci with Linda – it was the hardest thing I had to do in order to go travel – and I second-guessed it a million times. I questioned my moral compass; leaving the only thing I had responsibility for with someone else. Was I giving up? I felt like a mother leaving a child behind; was I a horrible person?
I nearly turned around that day in 2006 as I was driving back to NYC sobbing; I came close to calling my whole trip off. When I got home to my apartment and there was no kitty at my door waiting for me I cried more. What had I done?
“The only piece of responsibility and commitment I have in my life is my cat. I’m totally serious. I don’t own a house, no car, no boyfriend, no ex husband, no kids, and no debt. However – I have a cat that is totally and unconditionally in love with me. She honestly thinks that the earth revolves around me…that is, if she knew what a planet was.” –from my initial excerpt in 2006 when I gave her away.
As I sat on the bus to Chile feeling the sting of guilt and sadness of tears, I thought about what might have happened if I turned back that teary day in Connecticut in 2006 and called off my career break travels for my cat.
What if?
I would have spent the next decade continuing to climb the ladder at Coach and likely never leaving my Information Technology career. I would have bought an apartment in NYC. I would have traveled minimally on my few weeks of vacation at a time. I would have had really expensive camera equipment that I barely used. I would have spent another decade handwriting in my personal diary by my bed. I would have been terrified of all of the new technology and social media changes that happened in the last decade…fighting them instead of embracing them. I would have continued to go through boyfriends, maybe even found Mr. Right and got married. I would have been normal.
But then I thought about all of the things that wouldn’t have happened if I had called off the career break to stay with my cat.
Cats I met around the world…
I wouldn’t have built a strong bond with my nieces. I would have ever traveled with my father and realized how much he means to me; and how much I’m like him deep down. I wouldn’t have learned how to drive a motorbike, or a rickshaw. I wouldn’t have understood the beauty of slowing down. I wouldn’t have learned that people with less are happier in the world. I never would have gone to Antarctica…twice! I wouldn’t have ever been exposed to the beauty of people all over the world providing me beds and showing me their culture. I never would have improved my photography or ever called myself a writer (that still sounds weird when I say it!). I wouldn’t have realized the importance of family and health. I wouldn’t have appreciated the concept of ‘less is more’. And I wouldn’t have had that beautifully exciting feeling of satisfying my intense curiosity and experiencing something new every day. I wouldn’t be the person I was meant to be.
This all happened to me because I was willing to give up my cat and take a risk – a leap into the world; even though the guilt of leaving her was killing me.
Sometimes you have to let go to go.
The Traveling Cat
I thought about when I picked up Palucci for the first time from the farm in Indiana; she was only 3 weeks old. she fit in the palm of my hand and had a little high pitched “Mew, Mew!” I thought about all the times I moved her across the country for my career (Indiana, Minnesota, San Francisco, NYC) and how she handled each move. I gave her a pretty exciting 8 years. She moved around with Linda from Connecticut to North Carolina and back to Connecticut. And from Linda she got things I never could have given her; a house in suburbia, a husband, and kids – she got a family. She too had a life of curiosity and experiencing new things.
When I got off the bus that night in San Pedro de Atacama and got to wifi again, I contacted Linda. Even though I hate goodbyes, we hopped on Facetime where I could have a last moment with my Palucci. Even though she was frail, I knew she had an abundant life full of feistiness, independence, and newness. “This cat really is you – she always has been; fiercely independent, grouchy, adventurous, hates men, and driven by emotion,” Linda said with tears in her eyes.
I knew she was going to pass away soon; she was old and dying. But still somehow you are never really emotionally prepared for someone leaving you for good. But because I took the cat to Linda and introduced her to a whole new life without me, I was able to introduce myself to a whole new life. And for that I’m forever thankful.
That was the last time I saw her. Linda told me she passed away the next day not letting anyone hold her – fiercely independent.
It was time to let go.
PIN IT FOR LATER!
When I saw the email from Linda, my heart sank. I opened it trepidatiously and read the first sentence….
“Not sure how to transition to this, but I think Kitty might be nearing the end.”
Immediately tears welled up in my eyes, my chest tightened and tears started flowing. I have no idea what came over me; I’m not really a crier. However, I knew this day would come –yet I still wasn’t prepared for it. My cat, Palucci, was 20 years old…this wasn’t a surprise.
I spent the next 12 hours in a slow bus to Chile thinking about all of the tears I shed for this cat…my cat. From the first time I moved her to San Francisco scared for her and myself equally since it was our first time leaving the Midwest. Then there were the surprising tears when I became allergic to her after I had her for 7 years. And the downpour of tears I cried when I left her at Linda’s back in 2006 as I prepared to go on my career break and travel. And finally, the tears shed just 2 years ago as I visited Linda, her family, and saw Palucci for the first time in 8 years. Now these tears come streaming down my face again leaving my eyes stinging and my heart aching.
I wasn’t ready to let go.
Table of Contents
Giving up a Pet to Travel
The tears are tears of guilt, and sadness. I don’t know if I will ever come to grips with the fact that I gave up my cat to travel. I frequently think about the day I left Palucci with Linda – it was the hardest thing I had to do in order to go travel – and I second-guessed it a million times. I questioned my moral compass; leaving the only thing I had responsibility for with someone else. Was I giving up? I felt like a mother leaving a child behind; was I a horrible person?
I nearly turned around that day in 2006 as I was driving back to NYC sobbing; I came close to calling my whole trip off. When I got home to my apartment and there was no kitty at my door waiting for me I cried more. What had I done?
“The only piece of responsibility and commitment I have in my life is my cat. I’m totally serious. I don’t own a house, no car, no boyfriend, no ex husband, no kids, and no debt. However – I have a cat that is totally and unconditionally in love with me. She honestly thinks that the earth revolves around me…that is, if she knew what a planet was.” –from my initial excerpt in 2006 when I gave her away.
As I sat on the bus to Chile feeling the sting of guilt and sadness of tears, I thought about what might have happened if I turned back that teary day in Connecticut in 2006 and called off my career break travels for my cat.
By Jannell November 7, 2017 - 9:46 am
Ah man!! My heart hurts for you. I completely understand <3
By Sherry November 7, 2017 - 10:14 am
Thanks Jannell. It was a really hard week full of memories and ‘what if’s’. But as I said in the post – she was 20 – and I can’t have imagined a better and longer life for her!
By Darlene Foster November 7, 2017 - 10:40 am
Our fur babies mean so much to us. She was loved and well cared for, for 20 years. May she rest in peace and may you savour the good memories. <3
By Sherry November 7, 2017 - 10:54 am
Thanks Darlene.
By Vanessa Mayer November 7, 2017 - 10:52 am
Being mostly an “armchair traveler” myself, and a “keeper” of 7 cats, I’ve wondered whether people who travel freely, miss having special animals in their lives. Now I realize that you have, but you followed your instincts, and at least gave her to a wonderful family! I’ve never had a cat live past 16 years, so she lived a LONG, and (I’m sure) happy life!
By Sherry November 7, 2017 - 10:57 am
Oh yes Vanessa – I missed her very much. But in order to go I had to be ok with finding joy in other people’s pets. That’s why housesitting is great at times – as you get your pet fix while staying for free!
By Tricia Irish November 7, 2017 - 12:25 pm
Aw, Sherry. It’s so hard to say goodbye, but I’m so glad you got to.
You really did a wonderful thing for her, you know. I’m sure she had a wonderful life with her new family and kids and outdoors!
As you have.
You did well.
Sending hugs.
By Sherry November 7, 2017 - 3:56 pm
Thanks Tricia. I am pretty impressed with the full life and diverse life she was able to live – coming all the way from a farm from Indiana!
By DAD November 7, 2017 - 2:01 pm
I remember picking her up from John and Mary Fritz’s place. Then she went with Mom and I to Columbia, Missouri. After that you and Mom took her to Minnesota. What a traveled cat after all that and then following you around from coast to coast. Maybe that is what let her live so long.
DAD
By Sherry November 7, 2017 - 3:55 pm
Thanks Dad! I remember you brought her to me in a shoe box and you said that she cried/mewed the whole time. I”m guessing it was the best road trip and you mom ever took!
By diane November 7, 2017 - 6:14 pm
We remember taking care of Palucci. She was all those things and lovable at the same time. We are sorry for your pain and dang you write well. Miss you Sherry!! Sorry for your loss good friend!!
By John Cowgill November 7, 2017 - 7:49 pm
Good story. You have a nice kitty. It is sad to leave your kitty behind.
By dan November 8, 2017 - 5:40 am
OK you know I’m a dog guy. That was a very moving memorial to a,,,,,,cat. You are a great photographer, not a half bad traveler and the potential to be a best selling novelist What I found very funny was the end of your story. Look at the 3 photos and then the AD below it for KINDRED. Life can be IRONIC danxo
By kirk horsted November 8, 2017 - 12:01 pm
Aw, shoot. So sad, so sorry. I send “Good sympathy,” as the good people of South Dakota used to say in a time of someone’s grief in my childhood. Hey, that cat had a good–great–life. And you made that happen. My cat Daisy sends hugs also…*kh
By Rebecca Cox November 10, 2017 - 8:43 pm
I just lost my cat, she was 18 years old. We have been traveling for two years and actually lost both of our animals this year. In the last two weeks we have grown close to a stray cat but we just can’t take it in. I know he would be the best cat. Part dog because he follows us around and best cat for the snuggles. Our next move is just around the corner and we can’t have pets. Do we give up a summer in Yellowstone for a cat? He is well feed and loved, so I must feed my travel bug. Thank you for your story.
By Sherry November 12, 2017 - 5:26 pm
I’ve actually been thinking about doing foster care for cats when I’m at home. It might be the perfect solution for the frequent traveler! 🙂
By Claudia November 12, 2017 - 12:23 pm
Sherry… I dedicated my PhD dissertation and subsequent book to my cat Micra, for she sat with me every single night as I wrote that. I am still sad when I think of her, and it’s been almost 7 years since she’s gone. But she had a good life. And yes, she was like me. Cats are the most misunderstood animals on planet. Many people don’t like them because they are simply too similar to them. They are selfish, they only want to do what they like, and they don’t love just anybody. They pick. Perhaps they are a bit better at picking than we are – or at least, they are better at it than I am. Or else, I would not get involved with people that aren’t worth a second of my time. Palucci knew love. Micra knew love. My Minnie is knowing love. That’s what matters.
By Sherry November 12, 2017 - 5:26 pm
Thanks for your kind words Claudia! I’ve actually never really been an animal person – however I loved my cat. There was something about the cat mentality that I loved. It’s as if we both lived our separate lives and came together one one of us needed the other. Sort of the perfect relationship. 🙂 Love that you have a new one now. I wish I could get one – but I still just travel too much…and there is also the problem of allergies!
By Aleah November 12, 2017 - 11:03 pm
In 2015, when I decided to become a full time digital nomad, I left my two cats and my house to my house sitters. It was one of the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I can’t imagine losing them. I feel for you. 🙁 Just know she had a great life with Linda and you will always have your memories with her.
By Sherry November 13, 2017 - 9:34 am
Thanks Aleah. I hope you get back to see your kitties occasionally! My cat at least had a really long life – so that really helps me deal with it.
By Analia December 3, 2017 - 7:39 pm
Dear Sheryl. I’m sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine the time my cats or my dog would pass away. I’m used to losses, as i lost my mother and my grand mother… (and even years go by, i miss them every day…)
I have no sons (nor want them!) so my lovely husband and my animals are my family. And even thou being a nomad is not in my path, i sometimes have the fantasy of leaving everything to travel the world, and every time, the first thing that comes to my mind is… and my cat??? my dog???…
You made a great choice, and you left her in the best hands…!!
As a side note, I do however think, how can you still think your are not a writer? every time i come here, i feel so connected to your thoughts, and feelings, your emotions… it’s not a novel, you are not a novel writer, but… you touch people with your words… so… that’s a writer to me.
By Sherry December 4, 2017 - 11:18 am
Analia – thanks for all the kind words. Yes – the pet dilemma is probably the hardest part about long term travel. I do miss having a pet! I’ve even been looking into foster care here in Denver to maybe get small doses of pets again!
By Gina February 17, 2019 - 11:17 am
I too have separation anxiety when I have to leave for 2 weeks. My heart goes out to you.
I totally get it. I LOVE MY Tinkey with all my heart and soul.
Thank you for sharing.
By Sherry February 22, 2019 - 7:10 pm
Thanks! – always nice to know that I’m not alone!
By Ashley April 29, 2019 - 12:04 pm
All the tears for you!
I did the same thing when I was preparing to move and travel more. I wanted to find my kitty a good home before she got too old and wasn’t as adoptable, but I second guessed myself a lot and asked whether I was being selfish by not delaying my traveling instead when I had made the commitment to look after her. It’s still hard to think about, but I know she’s with someone who loves her and is happier not being toted around the world or left alone all the time.
By Robin Hebert July 4, 2019 - 9:41 pm
I’m glad I found this blog. I too had a gut wrenching decision. Jazz was slowing declining and getting worse. He had a neurological disease that started January 2019. Before, when he was well, we could travel for at least 6-8 days at a time and he was fine when people would check in on him.
Now there was no way I could leave him. I wanted to see my grandbaby in June and didn’t know what to do. We had exhausted all avenues of care for him. So, on the 14th, we decided to help him over the rainbow bridge but I have not been the same since. I was wracked with guilt. I hurt to see him suffer, and it hurt to let him go. He was one cat that I was so attached to. My husband loved him as well. He was such a part of our family.
I weep periodically when I come into the house and it’s quiet. Now here’s the thing: I said I would never get another cat. The pain these past 6 months has been excruciating. Now that Jazz is gone, I find myself looking at kitten ads. My husband keeps reminding me of how we like to travel. We recently drove across country to see my granddaughter! What a trip that was! I’m tripped out I guess so I figured, I need a kitten to cuddle and love. My hubby pulls me back to reality. It’s such a hard thing sometimes to have to make these decisions. It felt like Sophie’s Choice. If I do get another kitten, I will reconcile with the fact that the traveling for the rest of the summer is off unless we have a miracle and get an RV! Thanks for your post. I’m glad I’m not alone.
By Sherry July 6, 2019 - 11:34 pm
I’m sorry to hear of your loss and totally understand. You may want to consider fostering animals. I foster kittens now and it’s a great way for me to have animals in my life, do something that is really needed for these animals, and still travel!
By Adam November 13, 2022 - 4:10 pm
This was a wonderful post. My wife and I are currently in our late 30’s. We have no kids and we want to go and travel and be nomads. We have one little kitty, she is 8 years old. She is the most beautiful little soul ever but she has anxiety. She is not good around kids or other pets. Under our care (we’ve had her 3 years) she has blossomed into this total diva with personality. We live in a little condo and she owns the place. We are struggling with the idea of giving her up, especially my wife. We are going to put up posters in our condo building to see if anyone wants her. It would have to be a person with no kids or other pets. This has caused some strife between us. My wife is the kind of person who sometimes just prefers status quo. I am definitely the one pushing the nomad thing more. She wants to do it, but it’s 60/40 me. And it has made me feel tremendously guilty. Your article really resonated, because many days I just feel like saying “Oh well, let’s just stay here and live a normal life because giving away our cat is too hard” but then I look at all the things you saw and say you would have missed out on, including all the other kitties you saw around the world and I showed it to my wife and it helped her a bit. It’s nice you were able to stay in touch with the owners. I don’t know if that will be the case for us. I have had to give away a few animals in my life including my golden retriever when I was a kid which scarred me for life. It’s never easy, but sometimes we need to do things that are hard. Anyways thanks for the article.
By Sherry November 14, 2022 - 12:43 am
Adam – thanks so much for your kind words and I’m so happy this article helped a bit. As I type this I have a little kitten trying to walk on my keyboard, and one asleep in my lap. Because I love cats so much AND I love travel so much – I have been fostering kittens for the last 5 years after my nomadic journey ended (after 11 years on the road!) It’s been such an incredible experience – however it’s hard to give them up every time. But it’s worth it – because this way I can still travel!
Anyway – let me know if I can be of any help. You also might want to check with your local shelters as many times they have programs where they take in pets that need to be given up and help find a new home. I know that shelter that I volunteer with does that.
By Caitin April 7, 2023 - 9:20 am
Oh Sherry!
So many tears just escaped my eyes! I have been contemplating a working holiday in Canada (I’m from Australia) and feeling very guilty about leaving my cat with someone I trust as he feels like my child. The plan would be to come back for him after six months or at worst, a year, but it still breaks my heart to think of him feeling abandoned and even just how much I will miss him.
I can’t imagine having to choose to give him up forever and I’m heartbroken for you but I’m so glad you made the absolute best of a hard situation.
Thank you so much for sharing such a moving story.