A plea..
I honestly have no idea what love is. I’ve been thinking a lot about it lately as one of my good friends just got married last weekend; and she waited 42 years to do so. She has been in love many times, I remember each of them. I’m really happy for her; it’s proof that you should never give up.
I don’t think I’ve ever been in love – and I’m 42. Boy – just typing that is depressing. It begs the question – what’s wrong with me?! Yet I push that question to the back of my mind time and time again – it often seems harder at this time of year to ignore the fact that love has eluded me so far.
If I look back at my 20’s – I realize I’ve skirted loved. I had a relationship for 6 ½ years that was more mutual admiration and social obligation more than anything. I cared for him, and I wanted to be in love; I wanted to buy a house, have a family, and do everything that I ‘should’ be doing. I honestly have no idea who that person was any longer though. It’s as if I’ve banished that part of my life from my memory. That very good relationship ended when I decided to walk away. I woke up. I decided living my life in ‘should’ wasn’t what I wanted. I had no idea what I wanted – but I knew I was changing. He was my first boyfriend…ever. It was hard to leave; but something deep inside told me to do it.
On the other hand I’ve experienced crazy lust. The kind where you do everything you shouldn’t and yet are strangely excited and blinded by it. That relationship was my birth – the birth probably of who I am today. It put me in touch with who I was and it banished ‘should’ from my vocabulary and replaced it with ‘want’. All of a sudden my life became about what I wanted, no matter how crazy or silly it was. That is where I feel like my life began – at 28 years old. Yet I knew that relationship wasn’t love. In fact – I knew that it would end with me getting my heart broken into tiny little pieces. But I was so addicted to the joy of it that I was willing to deal with the inevitable heartbreak just to experience one more second of ecstasy. Accordingly I didn’t end that relationship, he did.
It ruined me as I knew it would. It sent me into relationship purgatory, negativity, and fear that still lasts today. The beginning of my 30’s were about recovering from the fresh wounds. After recovery, while all of my girlfriends were on the hunt for a good man to marry, I just enjoyed life….and boy did I really enjoy it! The wounds healed, but I wasn’t prepared for the scars that never would go away. The idea of love and commitment seemed terrifying and quite frankly stupid to me; I didn’t believe in either mainly because I didn’t want to get hurt again. That attitude of putting me first and my happiness first before trying to hunt for this elusive love is what put me on the road today; I followed my heart – even though it really made no sense for my love life I suppose.
Fortifying a wall
I realize now that in my 30’s I built a wall – a really thick one that didn’t let anyone in. It still exists today. I put up posters on the wall that says “Warning! Enter at your own risk”. I disclosed everything that was wrong with me to people who wanted to get in the wall and in the hopes they would run away. I never made it easy for anyone to break through or scale that wall. I recently caught myself explaining to someone every reason why they wouldn’t want to date me; the guy was interested in me, but of course I let it go nowhere.
Now I live a life where I am in constant motion with no home; I am a geographic dilemma on a global scale. I’ve set up my life to not really to be in relationships. My constant motion is perfect for avoiding my fear of relationships and love. And everyone knows that wanderers are bad bets.
Sabotage? Yes.
Maybe that’s why I haven’t ever been in love. The wall just keeps getting taller and thicker.
I have no real idea why I’m sharing any of this – maybe because I look around me and question if anyone is happy in the relationships they are in. I’m not convinced people in relationships are better off than me bouncing around the world solo. So many couples I meet seem rather miserable once you get past the public veneer.
Maybe I just needed to confess that I’ve never been in love and I’m 42. It does scare me a bit to think that I may go through my whole life without finding it which begs the thought – maybe I’m just not capable of loving a significant other. I don’t really know what love is. I don’t know if I want it. And I certainly have no idea how to find it if I did want it.
By Sarah Lavender Smith February 14, 2012 - 8:43 am
Sherry, bravo to you for going out on a limb by making this confession. Making yourself vulnerable by opening up and reaching out is a prerequisite to building a relationship, and love can’t exist without being in relationship. I hope you don’t give up — I hope you break down that wall. It may take staying in one place for a time to build a relationship, which would probably feel like a sacrifice, but the upside — finding a partner, feeling that passion and commitment to one another — is worth the effort. And I firmly believe that 42 is young and you have plenty of time. My grandfather fell in love at 80.
By Sherry February 15, 2012 - 2:07 am
Thanks Sarah – I haven’t given up – I still blindly believe that everything will work out however it’s meant to. And the beauty is I’m not really sure how I want it to work out. I just want to be happy, learning, and living life to the fullest capacity possible! It was great seeing you this weekend!
By Ian Pinchen February 14, 2012 - 9:20 am
Wow, what a confession. What is love? Well, firstly it’s fairly western idea I think, at least ‘romantic’ love is. Depends who/what you read. I’m a sociologist (bear with me) and the discipline follows a path from abcient Greece, (agape – a sort of higher spiritual love and search for truth, phlia, brotherly love and frienship, and eros, sexual love and the ‘lowest form’. Later we get ‘courtly love’ from medieval France – it combine physical attraction for a woman (not a wife) with chivarlric intentions – good deeds, slaying dragos, winning tournaments. A few hundred years ago love become sexualised and by the Victorian period we have the emergence of ‘love in marriage’, stiltifying, particulary for women who were not supposed to be sexual! Sociologists argue that love in marriage emerged to help the rising middle classes retain their new wealth through legal family ties. By the 20th century marriage becomes sexualised for women and we get writers on love and sex like Marie Stopes emerging. 1930s and 1940s sees the dominance of romantic love – helped along in no small measure by Hollywood. By the 1950s, the cracks are beginning to show in middle american families (read Betty Friedan) and by the 60s, feminism, the pill, abortion and divorce laws change the social landscape. According to some, love is on the road to becoming more democratic, freely chosen for the quality of the relationship. According to others it is just the march of individualism and consumerism. The growth in ‘affairs’ just a form of consumption. people want the excitement of first love but not the commitment and drudgery of a long term relationship which is bound to dull down. So, we have high rates of divorce, lost of single parents, lots of lonely people (and dating web sites to make money from helping them) and we are freer.
And it seems that’s what you’re experiencing now, that void between an idealised relationship that doesn’t seem possible, that haunting loneliness of being on our own and that attempt to fill the space in between with activity that sometimes we value and sometimes we think of as diversion – for me it’s more mundane – motorbikes!
What I’ve realised after many years of a rocky marriage which has stayed together and thankfully avoided affairs (at least on my side – can never quite know about the other person and it doesn’t matter that much in the final count) is that I’m with a person that I could never imagine not being with or knowing. And, something that’s come to me very late and it’s not a criticism but does seem implicit in your choice of expression, I forgot to remember that love is more about giving than taking. Western individualism is very much about the ‘self’, what we can get, rather than what we can give. My wife is very tough, has just spent 9 months without me volunteering in Tajikistan – doesn’t ‘need’ me at any level, in the sense of being dependent, but has chosen to give a large part of her life to me. I love her for that, I just like being with her and I like doing things for her. Lots of the exciting things relating to youthful love are gone – after all we’ve been together since 1980, but I still get immense pleasure out of holding her hand, looking at her and being in her presence – as she hasn’t left me (permanently) yet, I have to assume she feels something similar. Plato said love is two bodies and one soul – I wouldn’t go that far but I think I do love my wife and that love is more than just companionate but it’s not the same as whatever it was we started out with. It’s also more than just taking a pride in ‘hanging in’. I’ve no idea if any of that makes sense and I don’t intend to reread it in case it’s plain silly! But, happy valentine’s day Sherry. XXX keep blogging I love reading them.
By Sherry February 15, 2012 - 2:14 am
Ian – this was beautiful! First of all I never expected anyone to give answer my question “Wht is love” but you have provided an amazing historical and societal recount that I just loved! I also really enjoyed hearing about your relationship – it’s interesting how it has evolved and how love can be different for everyone. I wish more people talked about how relationships evolve and may not fit the societal norm – I think it’s a great topic.
I’ve never been about fitting the societal norm in my adult life. I left that when I left my first boyfriend I mentioned in the post. But you are exactly right – I’m filling the void with travel – something I dearly love and don’t ever want to give up. Sometimes that haunting lonliness you speak of is debilitating – but most days I’m just damn thankful that I don’t wait around pining like so many of my friends do.
Thanks again for such a great comment…I was moved.
By Lisa @chickybus February 14, 2012 - 9:36 am
Wow–I love this post! You’re brave to share so much and to be so candid. I admire you for it.
I’m in my 40s, have been in love a few times, but have not made having a serious relationship/marriage a priority. (One reason is that I never wanted children.) When people ask about the fact that I’ve never been married, I laugh and say, “I’m proud to say that I’ve never been divorced.”
My need to travel has gotten in my way a few times, but not each time. Often, it’s simply been that I was with someone who wasn’t right for me. And I’d rather be alone than with the wrong person. Also, I enjoy my freedom (and my own company) too much to compromise who I am just to be with someone.
Perhaps the ideal situation for people like us would be to meet another traveler? 🙂
By Sherry February 15, 2012 - 2:17 am
I love your line about proud to never be divorced – I may be stealing that from you in the future! 🙂 I too have never wanted kids and becuase of that I never really was driven towards marriage either. But as you probably experience too – there are days and times where I ache to be with someone. But never so much that I would change anything. I’ve thought about trying to be more still and not move around as much – but the fact is that when I was working in my traditional corporate career I was stationary and didn’t meet anyone either. So I figure I might as well continue moving!
By Keith February 14, 2012 - 10:03 am
It’s complicated, right? 🙂 I believe that you should always be most important to yourself: your wants, your needs, your goals and dreams. Sounds selfish, but that’s a judgment whispered by our culture. I never looked for love, it just came along. This other person became what I wanted, and being married to my wife simply became another one of my personal wants/needs/goals. Romantic love is not required, it’s simply another amazing experience in the pantheon of amazing experiences available to humans. And it sounds to me like you’ve had many of these experiences.
By Sherry February 15, 2012 - 2:19 am
What a lovely thought Keith – the fact that romantic love is not required. I agree. I’ve do have a lot of love for things, places, and experiences, I just haven’t found it for the opposite sex yet!
By Kristi February 14, 2012 - 10:41 am
I was married for 9 years and together for 11ish. When I left my husband, I realized that I never was in love with him. I thought I was going to be bitter and alone for some time just having love pass me by. I ended up meeting someone and I realized that all those other times that I thought I was in love were never really love. This is love to me and he was patient with me to deal with the bullshit issues I had from my marriage.
So, I wouldn’t think about you being the one to not let anyone, but there hasn’t been “a one” to fight you on the wall busting. Or maybe your one true love is your traveling. And there’s no shame in it.
Good post btw.
By Sherry February 15, 2012 - 2:21 am
Kristi – thanks so much for your comment and sharing your story. It’s been amazing to read so many people’s story of love today.
I do agree – I love travel – it’s when I feel most alive and adjusted – it brings out the best in me. And if I don’t find anyone to share it with – then that’s fine too. I’ve proven to myself that I haven’t let it stop me yet!
By Lane February 14, 2012 - 10:49 am
I was 37 before I found true love — the type that hands your hand when you’re sick, lets you breathe when needed, and helps you to laugh at life — until your stomach hurts.
It didn’t happen overnight. It took me to grow up first.
And, it will happen when its supposed to happen.
Until then, keep on traveling and learning.
By Sherry February 15, 2012 - 2:22 am
Thanks Lane for sharing your story – love it!
By Lynn February 14, 2012 - 12:25 pm
Great post Sherry. You’re probably going to get about 14,000 comments on this one, so I’ll try to be brief. Throughout history civilizations have built walls for a reason…protection. We learn to start protecting ourselves at a very early age, from first few times our tender little hearts are disappointed as children to the more profound heartaches as we grow older, and discover just how much pain a relationship can cause — the kind of pain where you may as well be in at the bottom of a swimming pool because basic breathing is just *that* hard. I once heard a female comedienne talk about dating/love, “Please, take my purse, my money, take whatever you want…just don’t hurt me.”
Your wall is also there for a reason, as the rest of us have reasons for our own personal walls. Your fear is justified. I have several friends who tell me all the time that they wish I could find someone so I wouldn’t be alone (these are the same friends who need a shoulder to cry on — mine — when they are having problems with their partners).
There are no rules or recipes you can follow in life, whether its for love or anything else; the bottom line may just be to enjoy every fun moment and find the strength to get through every painful moment, because both come and go whether we’re in romantic relationships or not.
I think that what you are doing is great, because love comes to us, or does not come to us, whether we’re moving constantly or sitting still. That’s been my experience anyway.
(Guess I wasn’t that brief…oops.)
By Sherry February 15, 2012 - 2:39 am
Ha – if I ever got 14,000 comments I could retire! 🙂 Thanks for leaving your story and experiences with love and friends. I agree – everyone has a wall of some sort. Some are thicker than others. I look at some friends, like my friend who just got married, and I admire her ability to constantly let people inside the wall no matter what horrible things happened and didn’t work out.
I agree with you – I will keep moving as it makes me happy – and love will present itself in some form!
By Patrick Hearn February 14, 2012 - 3:22 pm
I won’t say that building a wall around the heart is a good idea – the very essence of travel is to have an open heart to the love that could pour in. Nonetheless, I won’t say that never being married is a bad thing, either.
Society lends its influence to marriage; settling down, raising a family, safety and security and stability. That isn’t necessary to all of us, though – many people thrive on the adventure and thrill of traveling, of never having roots. It’s much easier to pack up and leave a place when the urge hits when there is no one waiting for you there.
Many of the greatest minds in history, those that made the greatest impact in the direction of mankind, never married. They didn’t need to. Their drive and passion were partners enough for them.
Don’t shut yourself off from the possibility of falling in love; that has never helped anyone. But you don’t have to actively look for it – perhaps you’ve already fallen in love with something other than a man, and are happy that way?
Happy travels!
By Sherry February 15, 2012 - 2:42 am
Great point Patrick! Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts. I really don’t know if I will ever find someone to love in a romantic way – but I also know that I don’t necessarily need it when I’m finding happiness in other things. I think part of my problem is that I haven’t been traveling for the past few months – and then I start to evaluate everything. I’m looking forward to getting back on the road as it’s when I’m the happiest and those are the times when I don’t really care or overthink these things!
By Lynn N February 14, 2012 - 6:03 pm
Dear Sherry,
I’m going to turn this around and ask YOU a question: are you happy? Funny, we don’t have to ask “what is happiness” do we? Anyway, if you’re happy with your life as it stands then who care what love is or why you prefer not to be in relationships. Live your life and stop worrying about those “shoulds”!
BUT. If you are feeling like something is missing, if you are lonely, but you are afraId of getting hurt, WELL. You are the last person in the world that I would ever expect to have fear stop her from anything! The girl that climbed Kilamanjaro, drove a motorbike in HCMC, taught school in Nepal, never let fear stop her from doing anything!
So if it really is fear that is stopping you from entering a relationship, then confront that fear, just like you’ve confronted every other fear in your life. I know you are determined to live your life with no regrets so don’t let fear of being hurt stop you, if that’s what you want.
And if you really DON’T want a relationship, then who cares what anyone else might think!
Love you Sherry, and a great post…
By Sherry February 15, 2012 - 2:46 am
Lynn – I love hearing from you! You make a very good point for me to mull over – I break through all of my other fears…but I haven’t figured out how to face the fear of commitment yet. Will have to give that some thought!
I certainly go through bouts of loneliness – but I’ve also gotten really used to being on my own…really somewhat isolated. In fact the more I travel the less I like to be around crowds and I have to make sure I find time for just me – where I don’t have to interact with anyone. I’ve always been able to cope with any loneliness that comes by so far.
I think my real goal is to try to be more open, and open myself up more in general instead of always having the conversations in my head. I think it’s a good start to breaking down the wall a bit!
hope you are well!!
By BJ February 14, 2012 - 8:37 pm
I have been a “lurker” for quite a while…and I feel like I need to comment on your post.
I’m there. I’ve been hurt in the past, and now I have a wall…and so I travel, I experience the world outside my small community, and I take risks that others see as risky (traveling as a young, single woman alone). And yet, the one thing that is scary for me is opening myself up to others.
Thanks for putting intro words what I’ve been unable to. Keep traveling so I can live through your trips 🙂
By Barbara Weibel February 14, 2012 - 9:21 pm
Sherry, the fact that you recognize that you’ve put up walls and are now dissecting “why” they went up is a huge step in the right direction. As they say, admitting that there is a problem is the biggest hurdle. I can’t help but thin you’ll find someone.
By Sherry February 15, 2012 - 2:48 am
Yes – I think self-awareness and understanding is so important! I love reflecting on this stuff, it helps me understand and organize my thoughts more than anything! Thanks Barbara for your input!
By Nomadic Chick February 14, 2012 - 9:22 pm
Sherry: a brave, honest and bare revelation here. As you know, I’m not a starlet any longer myself and have only been in love once – with my ex-hubby.
He was also my first love. I wondered the same thing in the past few months, for I was lonely for a while and wondered why it was so hard to meet a person (besides the fact I was also moving around a lot myself!).
It’s been several years since anyone made my heart flutter and then there were also terrible choices staring me in the face (men less than my equal). I began to think there must be something wrong with me, because I was the main ingredient in all past scenarios – these men must see something that I don’t. In the end, I can’t be anything but me (with growth patterns, of course), and maybe I made that decision with my ex to choose freedom, independence and my writing over babies and mortgages. I’m actually happy with that choice, because it’s who I really am.
Like you, I built walls around myself. It was easier to pretend I didn’t care or follow lust instead of be honest and grasp for what I wanted.
I met someone last year who made me re-think those walls, deeply regretting not telling him my true feelings. I had betrayed myself. Wasn’t my current life about ‘no regrets’ and isn’t that what I sell on my website?
I think asking yourself what happiness means to you is valid (as Lynn wrote above)…
I know what you mean by the outward sheen of other couples. Many of my friends are divorced, but some have also launched into new relationships.. so if staying how you are and seeing what unfolds is the answer do so, but I hope you forge ahead without regrets, because if you did meet someone and didn’t tell him, that might weigh on you more.
Love or no love – don’t let regret be your sole occupation in old age. I certainly don’t want it to!
Cheers, lady. 🙂
P.S. You seem fairly well loved after reading the comments here.
By Sherry February 15, 2012 - 2:53 am
I always love to get your take on things! Man I wish we could have spent more time together at TBEX! Overall – I’m pretty damn happy, however I of course have things I still desire and wish were going better. It takes me a long time to get to know someone and feel safe enough to open up to people – that’s one area I’d like to change if I can.
Where are you these days? I’m heading to Europe for 5 months – will you be around?
By Nomadic Chick February 15, 2012 - 3:13 am
Darn. I will be in Europe, but not until end of June/July and August. 🙁
I still have that other projet in mind we discussed a long time ago, but have some personal goals to fulfill first.
Meanwhile, I’m teaching in China right now so all is well!
By Kirsten Lodge February 14, 2012 - 11:48 pm
Hi Sherry
Wow. Bravo! I think by walking away from an OK relationship, you have chosen not to settle. I look at many of the relationships around me where people have settled and I can’t think of anything worse.
I’m 36 and still looking. I’ve had 2 great loves in my life but neither were good for me. I, too, wonder whether travel has closed me off from love. I doubt it… I usually just use travel as a way to heal my soul.
What frustrates the hell out of me is other people’s expectations of what I should be doing by a certain age… almost as if I’m being too picky. Damn right, I’m picky!
Perhaps it’s not that you’ve shut yourself off, but haven’t found the right person to let in?
I refuse to believe that I’m going to live the next 50 years without meeting someone that rocks my world. And I believe that for you too.
🙂
By Sherry February 15, 2012 - 2:54 am
Being picky is good…it’s necessary! I figure if I waited this long to find the right person – then why rush into it! Thanks so much for sharing your story!
By Gigi February 15, 2012 - 12:46 pm
I’ve spent a lot of time on the question What is Love? myself and I found C.S. Lewis’ thoughts on the topic rather fascinating. He argues:
A. That our feelings follow our actions. When we act lovingly toward someone–listening, taking care of their needs, not rushing to anger, etc.–we eventually begin to love that person. When we act without love toward people, we dislike them more and more.
B. That by loving–by treating those around us with love–we open ourselves up to hurt. It can’t be avoided. Even loving an animal opens us up to hurt. But by not loving those around us, we put ourselves in a loveless place (because if you cannot give love, how can you accept love?), which he calls hell.
Aside from C.S. Lewis, another sub-topic on the topic I find useful is what the first poster above mentioned: in English, we have the word “love” and it’s meant to encompass a large number of things (also, we misuse it frequently), but in the Greek, they had multiple words for love. The love you have, for example, for your favorite pecan pie being very different than the love you have for your best friend and that being a separate thing from the passionate, headfirst loving of a romantic relationship (like you described in your post).
Finally, my own thoughts on love after much pondering:
A. Love is about choices. It’s not uncontrollable. It’s not just something that happens to you. It’s a thousand choices you make every day to put someone else first, meet their needs, treat them with respect, extend them grace. I think this applies to friendships, familial relationships and romantic relationships. And if everyone would focus on this…choosing their actions and not letting emotions lead all the time, I think we’d see a slowing in the divorce rate and a redemption across so many relationships.
B. To truly love others, I think you need to know how to love yourself. Which is why the adage says “love your neighbor as yourself.” As yourself. Meaning that we need to have love and grace and care toward ourselves.
C. Two links that you might find relevant or inspiring (I hope!):
My own love manifesto:
http://gigigriffis.com/love/the-love-manifesto/
A C.S. Lewis quote:
http://gigigriffis.com/faith/to-love-at-all/
By Kelly Wetherington February 15, 2012 - 3:22 pm
Hi Sherry! Great post, I commend you for opening up and sharing.
Like you, I assumed my travel lifestyle would not afford a lasting romance as I was always on the move. I figured if I met someone on the road, it would be a fling and hardly sustainable. I was proven wrong during my last big trip, when I unexpectedly fell in love and I am still with him over a year later. As they say, it always happens when you least expect it.
I met my current boyfriend (who is Swiss) on a beach in Australia. A scenario quite dubious to lasting romance. As it turned out my boyfriend and I had been on the same path months prior, having been in the same places at the same time unknowingly. We hiked through the same gorge one day apart. It was truly amazing we had not met sooner than we did! I even had photos of him on my camera before as he turned out to be the kitesurfer I had photographed from afar weeks before we met! The part that surprised me the most, was that our paths continued to align without compromise. We traveled together for 9 months, together 24/7, which is real world terms I equate to 5 years.
We knew we would have to do the long distance thing at some point, which is where we are now. I don’t mind that he is living in Zurich, it gives me a great excuse to spend the next five months in Europe! 🙂 Our relationship is a bit unconventional at the moment, but the important thing is that we both have the same ideas for the future, share a love for travel, and are willing to live anywhere in the world together. TBD if we will work out in the end, but I am hopeful and it goes to show you don’t necessarily have to settle down in one place to find love or make it last.
I recently received very good advice from a dear friend who is getting married this year. She advises all her girlfriends to do what she did to find her parter and make a list of your “5 non-negotiables” – the five things you MUST have in a partner and will not settle for less than all five of these traits. And only one of the 5 can be a physical trait. I see the logic in her advice. I think with any life goal, in order to reach that goal, we need to 1)clearly define and know what you want 2)commit to achieving the goal 3) take action
I know you say you are unsure if you even want a relationship and that is totally fine as only you can know what truly makes you happy and what you want for your life. I do think defining exactly what it is you would want in a partner is helpful to have in your back pocket in the event you meet someone fabulous and decide want to consider a relationship.
Of course “adventurer/traveler” is one of my 5 non-negotiables! 🙂
I feel pretty lucky to have been blessed with a partner in love and travel!
I wish you love as defined by whatever fulfills you and makes you happy 🙂 XXX
By Kelly Wetherington February 15, 2012 - 3:40 pm
… and I forgot to say that I have also been very unlucky in love in the past. I have thought myself a masochist the way I put my broken heart out there again and again. I guess I thought if I built up a wall and closed myself off to love then the person who broke my heart would have gotten the best of me. And I am determined to persevere in my quest for true love. Yes, I am a big sap, I admit it!
By Gigi February 15, 2012 - 6:25 pm
Kelly,
Thanks for sharing that! What a lovely and inspiring story. 🙂
By Heather February 15, 2012 - 10:34 pm
Hi Sherry, you have to give yourself credit for waiting for the right person to come along. And you never know when that will happen. I fell in love in Kenya with a guy that makes $2/day coming from the slums, but he is amazing and I have never known such love! I think as long as you do your own thing and don’t harp on it, love will come when it is ready and will surprise you – and you’re now at a point that you will have so much appreciation when it does!
By Jodi Henderson February 16, 2012 - 10:27 am
OMG Sherry, get out of my head! This post sounds an awful lot like the one that’s been rolling around in my head for a while. Bravo to you for having the guts to write it and share it with us.
A couple of years ago (when I was 35 – how much of a cliche is *that* starting a mid-life crisis at that age), I realized that one of my biggest problems is that I’m afraid of a lot more than I had ever realized, commitment being one of them. So I, too, have walls. I’ve seen hints of cracks in those walls on occasion, but I keep filling them in. For me, I guess I just like freedom and not compromising enough to avoid the risk of committing to something that might affect them.
By Sherry February 17, 2012 - 9:57 am
Thanks Jodi! It was one of those posts that I wrote quick on feelings and then put it out there before I could think about it too much! Sounds like we are both great brick layers…yet I’m not sure if it’s a very good profession or not. 🙂 The freedom vs. risk is always a struggle. I can be risky in everything else in my life but love…strange.
By Erik February 19, 2012 - 8:16 pm
It didn’t happen for me until I was 35 and had truly convinced myself that I was going to be single forever. I really was happy that way to I had just attained the peace that comes from knowing in your heart this is the way it is going to be.
Then I met my wife, who’s parents had been friends with mine for 25 years, although we had never met. Even more amazing, she doesn’t travel at all (gasp!), but somehow we make it work.
I wouldn’t even presume to give advice on this subject, I’d never been in love before I met her, and I can’t imagine loving anyone else. I’ll just stay it happened for me when I stopped expecting it to.
By RenegadePilgrim February 21, 2012 - 12:44 pm
Perhaps walking the Camino will allow you time to think more about this…I am approaching 38, well on my way to 40 and not a single possibility of a relationship in the future. There are days when I think it would be nice to find a nice girl and settle down….then there are other days when I know that the wanderlust is strong in me and eventually, I am going to leave again. The Camino is a great opportunity to think and talk and meet people with different perspectives on things….some of my fondest memories are chatting with a girl from Bilbao whose outlook on life was so different than mine, it was refreshing to hear her thoughts. I had similar encounters with many other people from around the world. Thanks for being so open!!!!
By Sarah February 23, 2012 - 8:35 pm
‘You might be single forever, can you be happy if that’s the case? There’s no reason not to be.’
My Mum sat and spouted this advice to me a few years ago and I’ve never forgotten it.
At 30, I cling to the hope that one day I will fall in love, I’m a romantic at heart, but what’s a romantic but someone with inflated expectations of what a man (or woman) should be?
I differ from you in that I have no walls. I let people in, and whilst I cradle many scars and wounds, I can’t seem to stop myself from putting all my eggs into a broken, crooked basket, even if I know it’s the wrong thing to do. Maybe I shouldn’t stop, maybe it’s a learning experience. I hope it one day leads to ‘finding’ love.
But if I never find love? Or I remain single forever? Then I will still live a fulfilling and wonderful life, with family and friends I love and cherish enlightening it.
Love is your Mum telling you the world isn’t perfect when she would rather tell you that it is, and for now, that’s good enough for me…
By aaron February 24, 2012 - 5:42 pm
Interesting!
I do not think your story is a “confession” as some have falsely interpreted it to be. It is a rather foolish word to use in regards to your post. Afterall, you are not confessing anything if there is nothing to confess.
And I do not think your situation is dire, considering there are billions of people in the world who have lived their whole lives, then died without “finding” love. (love finds you and then you recognize it for what it is, if the opportunity so happens to present itself)
Remember that while some identify with you about the building/ breaking walls part, channeled for letting the outside in, there are also people who instinctively do the complete opposite!… Once they have what they are stuck with, they build walls around themselves to avoid letting others out! (or even just freaking out)
The worst situation you can be in is the one where you actually find love with someone, and can never truly merge with them due to life’s circumstances.
It is at that point in time someone can perceive there is meaning and regrettable value in the phrase: “Better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all.”
By Sherry February 26, 2012 - 9:23 pm
I don’t actually feel like my situation is dire either. In fact most of the time I think it’s better to be single. I know I’m much happier than most people I know who are married at least! My plan is to continue living the way I want, and open myself up to people and possibilities – but if it doesn’t happen – then it’s not the end of the world either! I’ve been on my own this long and am pretty sure I can continue it!
By Denis February 29, 2012 - 6:57 am
Nice topic Sherry! As a long-time wanderer, I can relate to the difficulties of starting/having a relationship while traveling the globe. All I can say is, try something different.
I always fell for the girls who swept me off my feet – that I was in awe with, etc – and like you said, was so blinded by the high created by this ‘crazy lust’, I would end up moving hell and high water to try and make the relationship work…only to see it fail and just shatter some more of whatever little heart I had left.
One day, I met someone who I just liked – nothing more. She was nice to talk with – attractive but again – just nice. Type of person that had entered in my life before but I never paid much attention to as I was convinced that in order to be in love – I needed to be like Romeo & Juliet and prefer dying than not be together – and know this at first glance to boot!
All that to say that we have been taking things very slow ever since we met and I have been amazed at how well it has worked for us.
The feeling of ‘love’ is something that we grew into rather than fall into. And everyday, it only keeps growing stronger. Its a friendship first, one of respect for one another, of the different people we are, not trying to change the other for who we think they are or would like them to be, but accepting them for who they are – and that can only be good for oneself as you at least have one person in your life with whom you can relax, don’t have to put a mask on, and just be yourself – the good, just like the ugly you try to brush people off with! (In the end, it’s not that ugly in their eyes or, at least, the good outweighs the ugly).
Anyways, that’s my two cents- try something different – that guy you never gave too much attention to because he didn’t quite make your jawdrop at first glance – just hang out for a coffee with them – see what happens – its just a coffee.
Suerte!
By Sherry February 29, 2012 - 1:19 pm
Thanks for your insights and advice Denis. I am definitely that Big Bank theory when it comes to relationships and men – I know no other way. In fact the other way kind of scares me truth be told. But you provide a compelling case to be a bit less big bang and maybe a bit more slow burn. However that still means I have to meet people I can spend time with and get to know – which is actually harder than the big bang as an eternal traveler. But will keep my eyes and mind open. Thanks!
By Lauren March 3, 2012 - 11:49 pm
This kind of “inside my head” post is my FAVORITE of all the posts that you write. They always make me feel like I’m not alone.
By Sherry March 4, 2012 - 3:28 am
Thanks for the feedback Lauren! It just goes to show you the one thing that travel has taught me – there are similarities all over the world…even inside our heads.
By Maria Alexandra @latinAbroad April 9, 2012 - 3:22 pm
Love, like everything in life, involves many, many risks. We simply have to accept that. Like I said, that’s what life is about anyway isn’t it? Risks. You take risks everyday while on the road traveling through places unknown to you. Treat love the same way. Take risks. Take the plunge. You’ll get sick, you’ll get better; you’ll fall, you’ll stand up. But those who never give up are the ones who see their dreams come true eventually–love is a dream, and a dream that can come true to those who really really want it 😉
By Maria Alexandra @latinAbroad April 9, 2012 - 3:25 pm
Oh and PS – you know you’ve found love when you can be 100% yourself and it is OK. When the other person can be the same and it is OK with you. When silence becomes comfortable between the 2 of you…and really, you just know. It is one of those things in life you really can’t put into words, but you know when you “see” it
By Harish March 20, 2013 - 10:49 am
Hi,
It seems I am writing a comment well after a year of you writing the blog.
Wow! A very candid blog. Hardly anyone is so honest now a day.
People do ask me why I am not married. I tell them I am married; but to existence. It seems you are married to existence too having roamed the entire globe.
Even I have had my share of infatuations, the so called relationships and finally the heart wrenching break ups. But now a day, I am quite happy. I often remember the Sufi saying, ‘This too will pass’