I have been fighting against the system my whole adult life. I have never bought a house/real estate, have never married, don’t have any kids, left my corporate career for something different, and don’t even have a home. I never know if I’m cursed or blessed with living a life outside the box. I was never trying to make a statement, I simply wasn’t interested in those typical things most people were.
For the greater part of my 30’s I had no time for relationships – I was having too much fun and didn’t feel like slowing down for anyone. Relationships were never a priority to me. However for the past few years I’ve noticed a slow change in some of my desires. I find myself fixating on other people’s relationships, watching couples hold hands, seeing how they share their lives, watching their closeness and I wonder if my mind isn’t changing when it comes to being in a relationship.
Yes my cynical side is always there on the other shoulder saying the grass is always greener. Reminding me that we tend to glorify romance and relationships when we aren’t in them and then once entrenched can tend to be unhappy and wish for our freedom back. Human beings are fickle – and seldom satisfied.
I’ve had a rough 2013 when it comes to men. Just when I think I know what I want – he’s not available. I tried for the greater part of 2013, but I was so low on his priority list that I felt like I was drowning most days. And I hate the feeling of not being able to get what I want. Mick Jagger is not my favorite singer – but he is right. I live my life where I take control – I do what I want. So when all of a sudden I can’t have it or figure out how to get it – it drives me batty. So batty that it chips away at my own self-confidence and ability.
One of my nieces recently went through a breakup. As I listened to her heartbreak I couldn’t help but think of my own situation – even though our lives are a generation and many many dating fiascos apart. She was so sad to have the boyfriend call it quits yet just the night before we were talking about how she was upset that he didn’t communicate with her enough. I enquired about what communication looked like to her and she said that he didn’t text her enough. I asked how often he texted – she replied “5 times a day.” I choked back a laugh! I couldn’t help but think that any adult would be quite satisfied with 5 texts a day from a significant other! But teenagers – they are a different breed. I marveled at how similar our situations were – she knew that he wasn’t right for her and couldn’t give her what she wanted – yet she was still devastated that it was over. We tried to mend out broken hearts together and I had a lingering sadness for her knowing how many times in her life she was going to have to go through this same situation until she came across Mr. Right.
My niece picks up the pieces and moves on for the first time and I do it for zillionth time. Yet my challenge continues as I’m not really sure how to move on and get any closer to what I want. I feel like my love life is the ultimate riddle. How do you meet a significant other when you are constantly moving never in one place? And before you tell me I need to stop moving – the answer is not as simple as slow down and stand still unfortunately. I tried that for years when I had a traditional life and that didn’t seem to work. Ok – in reality maybe I didn’t try to hard then. Back when I was standing still I never really wanted to seriously meet someone for a life partner and I certainly wasn’t looking to ever get married – not sure that I am ever really looking for that.
Mick Jagger you are right – there’s no getting what I want and no answers. And here’s Valentine’s Day showing up with it’s pretty red heart, roses, and signs of love. Ugh.
All year throughout my travels I take pictures of hearts or love that I come across around the world. Here’s my collection from last year.