He’s Just Not That Into Me

I woke up this morning lying in bed thinking about the day, and what I had to do. Suddenly it popped into my mind; hitting me as if I had run into a brick wall. The reason he doesn’t introduce me to his friends or let me in any further is because he doesn’t see a future with me. Yet for months I kept making excuses; it’s because I travel too much and am never here, he’s busy, I can be overpowering.

A friend recently told me that whatever you think about first thing in the morning is what you truly feel about something. It’s like your brain hasn’t had the time to spin yet.

I think my brain had been spinning for a long time. It kept spinning these fantasies that it would work out, I would get what I needed, he would learn how to open up, trust, and let me in to his inner circle. But it was spinning because everything I needed to know was right in front of me in plain sight this morning as I lay in bed. No spin, no fantasies, just facts.

I had become one of those women…the kind that stay too long, that try too hard – and they can’t see what is so clear. He’s not asking you to join him with his friends in the mountains this weekend because he doesn’t want me there.

Addiction

Just the other day I talked to him about how much I hate smoking…and how I could never date a smoker. It’s not because of the smell or even the health aspects, it’s because I don’t understand the addiction. I don’t understand why people can’t just stop something that isn’t good for them. Hello hypocrite.

I may not be smoking, but I’m just as bad. I can’t seem to pull myself out of this. I’m addicted to this relationship that can make me unhappy and insecure. It’s so weird that someone you have so much fun with and can make you so happy, the happiest I’ve ever been, can also be so hurtful.

Why am I ok with being happy some of the time?

Picking Up the Pieces

One of my girlfriends was visiting me when he broke it all off. All I can say is thank God for girlfriends. She continued to check in on me the weeks after she left. She’d give me pep talks, commiserate with me and be the voice in my ear.

I looked at her text, “Someone told me once that the best defense is to be as happy as possible (at least on the outside). Easier said than done of course.  Don’t retreat! Chin up, smile, hug yourself, hug others. You are truly a BADASS, even on the days you don’t believe it. Watch that pouncing kitty video and laugh. Drink lightly, exercise daily. Meditate, sleep 8 hours a day. Call me anytime. Seriously. Been there. And you won’t be there forever. It’s temporary. Sending you so much love, sister!!!!”

As I read over her advice, “the best defense is to be as happy as possible (at least on the outside)” I had a revelation. Why should I have to ‘act happy’? I have the best job in the world – I work for myself and travel all over the world. And in my non-travel time I foster kittens; cute, adorable, kittens. Travel and kittens; I shouldn’t have to act happy – this is the best life ever.

Grief and Menopause

As my friend noted, breaking up isn’t easy. I always think the hardest part is to accept the fact that the power just went off. That person, who you talked to every day, is suddenly silent and missing from your life – it’s sort of like someone died. And with every death there comes grief. And that’s where I am, wading in a pool of sorrow and grief.

Most of the time I’m ok, yet there are these moments when I’m lying in bed trying to go to sleep or slowly wake up that sorrow suddenly flows through me so powerfully that it immediately moves me to tears. It feels like another being or entity just went through my entire body. I chalk most of that up to perimenopause. The waves of emotions come and you just can’t stop them.

Even my doctor said to me the other day that menopause is like reverse puberty – all of the emotions and insecurities you remember from being 12 or 13 come back to haunt you. And the strange thing is that just when you think you know who you are and have built up this incredible independence and strength through your 30’s and 40’s, boom…it seems to disappear and you are reduced to the awkward, self conscience teenager mind again. That’s what I think about as that wave of sorrow passes through me.

Attachment Theory and Relationship Struggles

While dealing with the grief and desperately looking for explanations, I stumbled across the book Attached. It talks about the science of adult attachment. It was eye opening for me as I read about the modes of attachment and stories about other relationships that had the same issues I was having. Suddenly I didn’t feel as alone or crazy. My anxious style wasn’t getting what it needed and it would spiral out of control. It also became clear to me that my other half of the relationship was likely acting the way he was because he was scared of the commitment.

On The Road to Relationship Recovery

I’ve really only loved 2 men in my limited dating life. One left me for another woman who he eventually married and they have kids now. That was pretty hard, and took years to get past. But this one has a different twist and demise. After 5 years we just realized that it doesn’t work. I need reassurance, and he fears commitment. Neither one of us were getting what we needed. And in some ways it’s a deeper hurt because I still love him and sadly just realize that it can’t work.

Then there are times when something comes over me and I realize it will all be ok. A calm, a sense of normalcy and confidence comes back. These moments still seem to be fleeting, but I know this process – I’ve been here before sadly. They will eventually overtake the horrible sadness, and insecurity. I’ll be back on my mental feet again…at least I hope so.

And if not, I’ve always got kittens.