Happy Buddha or Crazed Buddha? Hard to tell...
I must apologize, I’ve been withholding the truth a bit. I love having a blog but there are times where I really feel that it is a huge burden; the last 4 months was burdensome. Let me back up – I started journaling 11 years ago to cope with an emotional time of my life. The only way I could get through it was to write down what was going on in my head else I think I might have went crazy; or some might say crazier. Journaling was my medicine, my way to stay sane and understand my feelings and emotions; my pen was my therapist. In 2006 when I decided to take off from my work life and travel I decided to keep on online journal – Ottsworld. At that time I put this together for a few friends and family to follow my journey. I traveled to 23 countries, and it grew into a large number of people reading about my journey and my personal life; people I didn’t know. However, through Ottsworld they cam to know me and make assumptions about my character; which were normally rather flattering assumptions that painted me a better, stronger person than what I really felt I was.
However, when I started Ottsworld, I stopped my physical journaling. I fired my paper therapist and outsourced it to my keyboard and Ottsworld. Actually, this was fine since I needed very little therapy at the time; I was literally having the time of my life traveling around the world. Sure, there were tough days and weeks, but I was able to get through them. 2008 marked the beginning of my ‘what’s next?’ phase of my life and I wish I could say that it’s been as stable as the last few years, but it hasn’t. 2008 has been a challenging year and those challenges seemed to multiply these last few months when I moved alone abroad. But I still didn’t journal, nor did I really let on to many people what was really going on in my head as having a mental melt down for the internet world to see isn’t really what I wanted to do.
I miss my emotional outlet. Maybe this is because I don’t have any close friends in Vietnam to talk things through and I’m tired of burdening my close friends back home, or maybe because this year was harder than most, or maybe because I’m finally in over my head with challenge; whatever it is, I need to get it out. I’m tired of being guarded, it takes so much time and energy; therefore, I will let my guard down a bit and see if it helps.
While in Hong Kong, I picked up a local free paper of events to find out what cheap thing I could do on NYE and came across this horoscope for 2009. It stopped me in my tracks. Here it is – word for word:
Free Will Astrology in HK magazine.
Aquarius – Imagine you’re driving down a very wide highway that’s 50 lanes across even though there are no lines dividing one lane from another. Speed limit signs aren’t posted, and some vehicles are zipping along in zigzag paths at over 100 mph while others crawl along like old-lady turtles. Now and then you’ve got to weave your way through a congested area where many on-ramps all feed into the road simultaneously. You haven’t seen an off-ramp yet, and you’re not sure where to get off anyway. I figure, Aquarius, that 2008 had some resemblance to the scenario I just described. Luckily, I predict that no later than your birthday, you will find an off-ramp and exit onto an uncluttered backroad with great scenery.
Feeling a bit unfocused...
I read this and thought, I couldn’t have put it any better; and it’s a traffic reference – perfect for Vietnam. This last year has been hard mainly because there are so many options and I just don’t know what to do. Giving up my possessions and my home was one of the first challenges. It’s great to be unencumbered, by property but it’s also harder than you can imagine. The real challenge though came with my move to Vietnam. I have so many different options here that it makes my head hurt. Some of them involve living frugally, some involve taking risks, some involve getting back in the corporate world; all of these things are terrifying to me. There is no clear answer and as I sit and wonder what to do, I feel like I lose a little piece of myself every day. I don’t know if I’m a business woman, a backpacker, a city person, a country person, a writer, a photographer, a teacher, an independent person, a social person, a positive person or a pessimist. I feel like I am a little of all of these things, which means that I do many things, but I do nothing REALLY well. This conflicts with my type A personality that desperately wants to do everything REALLY well. Most of the time I feel like I know nothing, and I’m simply masquerading as all of these things just waiting for someone to blow my cover.
The worst part about it is that I have no one to help me understand what path to take. Many people ask me if I ever get lonely. My answer prior to this year was “no, not really. I enjoy being on my own and having immense freedom. Sure there are bad days, but they go by quickly and they don’t outweigh the good days.” However, the bad days don’t seem to go by so quick in Vietnam. It started with Nepal and has continued in Vietnam; I’ve never felt more alone in my life. Sure, I know that it’s an effect of moving to a new place/country and not really knowing anyone, but this on top of trying to figure out answers to my life direction isn’t helping. I’m just going in circles and not getting anything done. I don’t rest, and I don’t relax. When I travel I can find beauty in many things, but those beautiful things now seem strange, confusing, and frustrating. How quickly we lose our innocence.
I used to say that a good relationship was one where you liked the person you were when surrounded by that person. Some people bring out the best in you and some bring out sides of myself that I’d rather not see. So far, Vietnam and all of this massive change has brought out sides of me that I’d rather keep rather buried; it’s not a healthy relationship. After a really terrible Christmas Eve where I missed my family, friends, and felt more alone than ever; I woke up Christmas day and decided to take control of my life again. I’m tired of being a person where things happen to me; I want to get back to being a person that makes things happen.
I still don’t have any answers, but I am trying to get back to the person that I am proud to be. I know that this is all a part of the culture shock of relocating; I understand this, but it doesn’t make it any easier to swallow. I will wait for my off ramp and see where it leads me; hopefully into the arms of a decent living, some new friends/relationships, and much needed sanity.
I couldn’t agree with this more. I started a RTW trip last April and it lasted six weeks before I came home. I couldn’t understand I love travel, love being in a new culture etc. People often don’t write about the “other side” of long-term travel. I kept a written journal and those entries are much different than the ones a kept on my blog. I did eventually write about why I came home. It’s here: http://wheredstacygo.wordpress.com/2008/05/17/taking-a-break/
Even so I restarted and finished my trip but it still wasn’t everything I hoped it to be. Even surrounded by people (I took more group tours) I still felt lonely. I couldn’t wait to get home. Now, three months after returning I’m wishing I was still out there traveling. It’s an addiction I guess, no matter how screwed up in the head it makes me.
No matter what- you are doing/did something extraordinary. My mom keeps reminding me of that everyday. Not everyone has the courage to do so. So Bravo!
Hi Sherry,
As a fellow Aquarian and wanderluster, I can relate to a lot of what you’ve said. I tend to be interested in a lot of different things but feel like I’m not terribly good at any of them. However, I sure enjoy them while I’m trying them out! Like you though, I can tend to get scattered. Have you read the book ‘The Rennaissance Soul?’. It’s very good and talks about this very phenomenon and how you can use it in your favor.
As far as feeling overwhelmed, Mother Superior says in the Sound of Music… ‘You have to look for your life’. Cheesy but I truly believe it. And, Sherry, you are doing this! Maybe this part is something that’s not a fit, but at least you’ve tried it out. Most people don’t ever explore the ‘what if’s?’ because they are afraid of any sort of negative outcomes. However, in my experience, it takes going through these hard times to get to, and truly appreciate, the really sweet parts.
Good luck with finding peace and happier times. I really enjoy reading your blog and look forward to hearing more!
Maybe, perish the thought, you are simply getting older? Perhaps you’re having an (early) mid-life crisis of sorts – looking for a reason to justify all the interesting choices you’ve made in your life over the past few years? Well, if that’s the case, surely it’s no different than those of us who remain in the fat belly of capitalism and also have to come to peace with our decisions. Thing is, you have the enviable luxury of making your own choices, while we submit ourselves to being wage slaves. Gosh, I sound like Ayn Rand. (Sidenote: if you haven’t read Atlas Shrugged and can get it out there, put it on your “must-read” list).
Leigh – thanks for the book recomendation…I will find it on the black market here! I actually like the reference to Sound of Music…and nothing makes me happier than imagining Julie Andrews running up that hill and singing!
Thanks for reading and shared thoughts. I just keep plugging along day by day…
Sherry
David – I never thought of it that way, and considering my 39th birthday is looming, it may be the case! However – back when I quit my job and left to travel I also felt like I was going through a mid life crisis (albeit a bit early). Maybe in true Aquarius fashion I will just have multiple mid life crisis’s…joy. Unfortunately though, even in this part of the world one needs money to live and travel, so maybe I’ll always be a slave to earning, but at least I don ‘t have a mortgage I suppose.
Sherry
Sherry! Like I told you when you were here in HK- it’s an expat roller-coaster! Somehow- and I’m sorry but I don’t know how- I managed to get off mine- or maybe it just stopped. I met a girl last night who has been here for 7 months- I asked her how it was going and in her response all I saw was me at 7 months- miserable! Poor girl is on the rollercoaster and at the moment she’s on a big downer!
You’re way stronger than I could ever be- in fact, you’re way stronger than most people I know- so whether it be a roller coaster you’re waiting to stop, or a highway you’re waiting to get off- you definitely have the strength to ride it out!
Hey Sherry,
I appreciate your courage in sharing your thoughts. As a “Type A” personality, it’s tough to do I know. You don’t really have it together right now and thus, in many ways, don’t feel like yourself. But that side that is searching for truth is as much of your essence as the Type A side. Embrace the seeker in you, and let the Type A come into play when you latch onto something. In the meantime, find things to play with, to explore, and then delve into some of them.
For me, right now, it’s yoga. This teacher training was an exploration, but in many ways has become somewhat of a driving force. The type A part of my personality loves the challenge of being constantly busy, and doing a ton of things at once – and trying to do them well. But the curious, seeking side is also happy to kind of sit back and let the yoga do its work on me without expectation.
What if you sat back a bit and let Vietnam work on you?
I’ve been reading your blog on and off for the past year, and feel a bit of kinship with you. I’ve been travelling for the past 3 years, interspersed with periods at home (Western Australia). When I’m away, I sometimes long for home – for my friends and my adult sons. And because I too am in Asia, I long for blue skies and the smell of salty sea air and the orderly way of things.
Then I return home and do the frantic catching up with everyone; drive my car for hours every day just for the sheer pleasure of being behind the wheel; and generally bask in the known and familiar way of life. That lasts for a short while, then I’m champing at the bit. Can’t wait to get going again, and if I’ve taken on a job, I resent it because it’s holding me back for a few months.
I don’t know what I want – and I sometimes wonder if I ever will. I’d love not to have to worry about money, and the prospect of a relationship after being single for several years is enticing. But how do we meet anyone of like mind in the situation we’re in? It’s hard enough under normal circumstances. And friendships are transient – they’re not the same as the deep bonds we’ve forged at home over long periods. As a single person living in a foreign country, there is no-one to come home to at night, to share stories with or to go to dinner with. And I wouldn’t say I’m lonely either, but there are times when I really ache to have a friend to share a meal with. That’s when emails and Facebook have become a lifeline; a connection to the familiar and the loved.
So I completely understand where you’re coming from. I’m giving up on Bangkok earlier than I’d anticipated, as it’s just not nurturing me in the way I’d hoped. And I face the same issue as you – no savings and the dilemma of trying to figure out a way of earning some serious money without committing to a 9 to 5 job. When I heard Scarlett Johansson’s character in Vicki Christina Barcelona say: “I don’t know what I want; I only know what I don’t want”, I thought ” That’s exactly how I feel, but now I sound like a cliche from a Woody Allen movie”.
I don’t know if or when we’ll figure it out. Maybe we just aren’t content or destined to live the “normal” lives that typify the majority of the population. I admire you for the gutsy way you live life and the great leap you’ve taken to embrace the Asian cultures.
Here’s to women who aren’t afraid to get out there and explore the possibilities.
Annette,
Amen sista….you put into words so many things that I struggle with here as an 39 yr old single female expat. Whenever anyone asks me, “what are you doind in Saigon?” My first reaction is to laugh and say “I have no idea!” But then I have to remind myself that I came here for adventure and to see a new way of life. The problem is that it is impossible to not get caught in the web of our old life and what we think it should be. However you choose to describe it – our paths aren’t easy, but there are some spectacular days that make it worth it. Now if I could simply find a specytacular man to share the good and bad with…